I Gave Up!

... for some time, I've been on a journey of reaching the better version of me, the woman who I've prayed to be. Not this "girl" that I've been: quick to anger, short fused, doubting my ability to do something purposeful with my life. I've just been tired, so tired that I am on the third month of the break I decided to take from life. For a moment, I felt like I was just existing, waiting for this magical thing to happen and make me feel good again, something to excite me about the day. As the days went on the light has gotten further away. So, I gave up!

Let me be clear, this feeling didn't just fall from the clear blue sky, it was triggered by the termination I received from my job on January 4th, 2024. It wasn't because I loved being there so much or that I'd devoted years of my life to a place that just decided to let me go. Honestly, I only actually made it to sixty days there. But.. It was the first time I felt like I was being told, "You're not good enough". See, I didn't grow up feeling like the most valued girl in my home life. At work, I knew I controlled the narrative. I knew that if I outperformed everyone around me, there was no way that I wasn't solidifying my place on the team as a valued member. You can't deny quality. For the ten years that I served in the military, that sentiment remained true. Until it didn't. Here, my hard work and long days meant nothing. I was faced with the reality that people's personal feelings towards you could actually stop your way of life, interfere with a person's ability to provide for their child. There is nothing that you can do about it. The safety net was gone.

I began to question who I was. What I stood for and if I was capable of making the changes necessary to survive in Corporate America. Will my value now come down to my ability to shut my mouth and just take orders? Will I ever do anything that sets my soul on fire or is this it? Do I give up on the me that has gotten me this far? Questions I have but answers that escape me.

The more questions I had, the less answers I was able to come up with. I'd spent the first two months, hopeful. Hopeful, that a job would make its way to me and one of these drawn-out interviews would pay off. Nothing came and things got quiet. In an effort to stay afloat, I filled my days with chores: laundry, sweeping, dishes, dusting, mowing and watering the lawn. Ironically, it was wiping me out at the end of the day trying to maintain a spotless house and cook every other day. As the days went by, I found myself going deeper and deeper into this hole. It got harder to convince myself that today was going to be the day. My exhaustion didn't come from the chores I filled my day with, it was the smile I tried maintaining while doing so.

Early one morning after a necessary gym session, I gave up! I allowed myself to drag my feet out of the bed, watch television during the time I'd normally spend searching for jobs, and nap on the couch next to the pile of laundry I allowed to make me feel unaccomplished for the last three days. I gave up on having it all together. I gave up on beating myself up for not finding employment right away or questioning if I was putting too much value into myself and hoping that these companies would see it the same. I gave up on trying to pretend like I wasn't affected by not feeling like I was good enough. Trying to convince myself it was all going to be alright. I needed to be free from the pressure of being valued. Giving up on measuring my value by how well I can perform and be acknowledged for it.

For the time being, it's been a fairly good break. I have been able to focus my questions inward and seek to find where my value lies within me. It's opened up a whole new journey of self-discovery that I didn't know I needed. I've had to face some hard truths as I continue. Even though, I've always been confident, where did it go when it seemed as though no one saw the value in me that I believed was there? I no longer wonder; I'm reaching for the answers.

Your experience may not be as dramatic as mine but when was the last time you gave up on riddling yourself with questions of self-doubt. When you gave up on being ok to fit the image of you that other people have painted? When was the last time you gave up on being who they wanted you to be and decided to do what fulfilled you?

I have no idea how much longer my spurt of unemployment is going to last but I am looking forward to the woman I'll be when it's all said and done. I look forward to obtaining the mental freedom I seek. Even hopeful that my next journey will be one that speaks to my purpose. I gave up so I could show up when it was time. It's necessary to pull back when your efforts no longer serve you. When your attempts to be "okay" are driving you into a brick wall. I thought saying, "This is too much" made me weak. I found strength in simply saying, "I give up!" It was on my terms and for that, it will be on my terms to decide when I'll get back in.